I play my old music and I feel like I left myself sitting on a curb somewhere. I left to finally not feel like myself. Mission accomplished. Now I feel like nobody. The music contains what I've once been, what I still feel I am. But that way of being was intentionally left behind because I head-dived into an uncertain future. That future worked out, but I cannot help the feeling that what got left behind was more important than I ever gave it credit for. I think I was someone, someone who likes and dislikes certain foods, music, colors, plays. Now I'm afraid to like, to laugh loud, to play the music I actually enjoy. My intensity went underpreciated, shuned even. Will you still like me if I become myself? Will you stay?
2021 playlist made me realize I cut myself off from what made me me
No energy, no drive, no plan, no essence, no will to live, no will to go on, living off of fumes. I'm always okay but I'm never great. There's energy yearning to come out. I built the dam, but even great lakes can dry out given enough time under strong sun.I haven't made a playlist since then. I don't listen to the music the way I used to. I do what's expected and I lose myself even further.
I have images inside my head, playing out, visions. Do I pursue them? Do I let them be. I'm afraid there will come a day I won't see anything anymore. And that will be it for me.